Enter the bizarre
world of RPGs
By:Bahamut Dragons
Some like them for the powerful magic, others for it's cunning
plot. It is the main reason of the downfall of the N64. You understood
of course that I'm talking about rpgs. Yes, rpgs have come a long
way since Final Fantasy I. We have learned to like some characters,
hate others, but we've always felt the link we had between our heroes.
This editorial shall be different compared to my others. In these
few pages, I will talk about shower curtains… joking! Of course,
I will discuss the subject of RPG, but not anything: I will analyse
the unrealistic features of them. I'm not talking about magic of flying
or big monsters made of lava which arises in 1999 A.D. (Lavos, where
are you?!), I'm talking about banal stuff like… well, just read
the article.
First of all, let me tell you that I have only searched in SNES rpgs.
Most of the "problems" have already been solved. My main
sources of data have been Final Fantasy 2 (which I will call FFIV,
since it's supposed to be like that), FF3 (FFVI) and Chrono Trigger.
Enjoy!
The first point I would like to arise is one that has yet to be solved,
and will probably never be, do to the time it would take to program
and space it would take. I am talking about the population of the
worlds. Our Earth have more then 8 billion people on it's face, and
each day, that number grows, grows, grows, grows… World population
of RPGs? Maximum 200. Isn't that a titbit small? Especially considering
that Chrono Trigger, with it's time travel, doesn't have more then
that. Let's talk about that population. Didn't you see anything…
odd about it? They all have the Jenny / Joy disease. Like these two
characters in Pokemon, all have the same appearance, except the important
people like kings, heroes and family. And what about the monster population?
An infinite gang of bastards. Makes you wonder why they don't just
gang up on you to kill you. Of course, a well placed meteo or ultima
would stop them. Still…
Another important point would be needs. Everyone have needs…
well, not EVERYONE. It seams that people in RPGs live the perfect
life. How many meals does the hero take? Usually one or two in all
his journey. All his nutrition is in potions, tonics and magical cures.
Nothing else. Why bother to eat when we don't have to? Wouldn't that
look stupid… Same goes for sleeping. Of course we sleep, but
it's not necessary. Just gobble up a potion and all tiredness goes
away. Not only tiredness, but also all wounds. You received a fireball
between the eyes? No problem! Nothing a good night's sleep won't arainge.
Still, it seams adventurers like to sleep… for other reasons
then healing, especially in a game like FFIV. You have Cecil, Rosa,
Rydia, Edge and Kain at the end. Go to sleep and what do they do?
Well, obviously, they go to sleep, with their armors. But that's not
the point. The point is, they all sleep in the same bed! Now, considering
that a bed has a slot for a maximum of two people side by side, and
they are all under the covers… Makes you wonder who's on the
bottom, holding all that people. Two last needs. First, going to the
toilet. Well, since they don't eat that much, it's understandable
they don't need to go. Still, the only toilets I remember in that
universe is the ones in the prisons of the empire, in FFVI. But no
matter, heroes don't need to go to the toilet. Lastly, people don't
need to bath. That's right! It seams bad odours don't exist in the
world of rpgs, along with being dirty. I never saw any baths (or bathrooms
for that matter) in those worlds. I guess the only way to catch a
disease is through magic. And yet, a potion and all is ok. Aren't
potions great?
It's a good thing they have an infinite stock of them. That's my next
point. You go into a shop, you ask for something on the list, they
have it. Never any backorder or anything. They have a secret cave
holding an infinite amount of potions, swords, armours and more. But
not that much more. You can't buy any furniture, accessories (except
magical ones); no houses, horses, chocobos being only rentable…
But people still live in nice places, well, most of them at least.
Although I must admit they sometimes lack stuff. Crono's house has
only one bed! Where does his mother sleep, on the couch? How rude
of him!
No, I'm not finished yet. This next reply is directly addressed to
Kefka, the big baddie in FFVI: "STUPID!! MORON!!!" I can't
believe how incompetent that guy is. Kefka fought to get power, lots
of power. He deliberately moved the three goddess statues and caused
the world of ruin. But no matter. He had power. With one move of his
hand, he could destroy a mountain, with what he called the "Light
of Judgement". Nice, very nice. For a while, he used his light
of judgement to cause havoc on the world. Then, a handful of heroes
arrived. Ha!, he said, you can not defeat me! He then showed his power
by destroying another mountain. Yet, he never thought about simply
floating in the sky and using his power to destroy his tower, thus
the heroes imprisoned in it. STUPID!!! You'd still live by now! I
mean, come on! He had infinite power, and lost because he didn't use
it to do the most normal thing to do in such circumstances. Moron.
Finally, I'd like to talk about life. Life is very strange in the
world of fantasy. Sometimes you can resuscitate your buds, sometimes
you can't just as easy as that. Why you can't? I have no idea. Well,
that's life your you: always inexplicable entirely.
To conclude, I'd like to mention that I am a huge fan of Square games.
From FFI to FFVIII, including CT, I've laughed, cried and lived with
those characters. But I like finding flaws in stuff. That's what I
do. If you've never played for real an rpg, I highly suggest it. Most
people will get hooked to it to the end, and will still want more.
Bahamut Dragons's Final thought: In a world of such fantasy, why do
the characters have to keep their clothes everyday and everynight
of their journey, through fortress and swamps, talking to beggars
and kings, drinking ale (Lufia mostly) or sleeping. Don't they know
what diversity is? This is Bahamut Dragons… signing off.
