NintendoLand Deathmatch summary
Bowser VS. Link

Loudspeaker: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Nintendoland Deathmatch Stadium! Where the biggest Nintendo battles of all time are fought and won! Many a feud has been laid to rest here. In this very stadium, we've seen titans clash, heroes fall, and underdogs triumph! Tonight's battle will be an exceptionally exciting one! And I know that we all want to get started as soon as possible, so without further ado, I give you your hosts! Mario and Luigi!
 
The crowd roars as the entire stadium illuminates in a bright flash of light. Strings of red and green light bulbs flicker on around the hosting box, signaling the arrival of the Super Mario Brothers, the gods of video gaming. Mario enters the hosting box through a red door on the right, while Luigi does the same through a green door on the left. They are both dressed in smart red and green tuxedos, respectively, accompanied by snazzy top hats in the same colors. The crowd continues to cheer as Mario and Luigi take the microphone.
 
Mario: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Are you ready for some action?
 
The audience cheers enthusiastically.
 
Luigi: Well, that's certainly good news, because we have one heck of a match for you tonight! In fact, the likes of this pair-up have never been seen before in this stadium! Two very different people from two very different worlds have come tonight to test their mettle against each other. We're all on the edge of our seats with excitement, so, without any further delay, let's introduce tonight's contestants!
 
Mario: Sure thing, Luigi! And I think I speak for both of us when I say that Player One is a bit of a rotter. Actually, he's a right bastard now that I think of it. A real creep. An intolerable jerk. A low-down, no good, egg-sucking jackal.
 
Luigi: I agree with you there, Mario. King Bowser Koopa is definitely a troublemaker. He has some nerve. Always kidnapping people and trying to take over kingdoms, generally making our lives tougher.
 
Mario: I mean, is it too much to ask to have just one quiet night in front of the TV? One quiet, undisturbed night, without having to go out into the cold, stomping on a bunch of hostile turtles? I mean, is it really too much to ask?
 
Luigi: Well, it shouldn't be, Mario, but it seems to be our lot in life. Sometimes I long for the sunny beaches and peaceful blue skies back in Brooklyn.
 
Mario: But, of course, travelling by Warp Pipe in the Mushroom Kingdom is cheaper than travelling by subway in Brooklyn, not to mention the fact that, in the Mushroom Kingdom, kids don't shoot other kids over a matter of a Pokemon card. So I guess we'll hang around here a bit longer.
 
Luigi: Well said, Mario. In any case, I believe I hear Player One coming now.
 
Indeed, a low buzzing sound can be heard on the wind. It is not long before the crowds can see a strange, helicopter-like object drifting through the skies towards the stadium. Even stranger is that the copter seems to be painted like a clown's face.
 
Mario: Yup, that's him all right.
 
As the copter draws nearer, King Bowser Koopa can clearly be seen sitting in the passenger seat. At the controls is none other than his eldest son, Ludwig.
Finally, the copter touches down in the middle of the arena. Bowser kicks open the door and steps out, waving to the crowd. After he is finished greeting his public, Bowser turns to his son.
 
Bowser: All right, Ludwig, you can take her back home now. And you don't need to bother coming back here. I'll just catch the Warp Pipe Transit home. But just make sure that you have Roy change the oil.
 
Ludwig: No sweat, father of mine.
 
Ludwig restarts the engine, lifts the Clown Copter into the air, and hovers away over the horizon. Bowser stomps over to the center of the arena and calls to the Mario Bros.
 
Bowser: You creeps are just lucky that I'm here tonight. Originally, I had plans to kidnap Princess Toadstool, but that'll just have to wait.
 
Mario: Sod off and die, you muscle-headed jackass!
 
Bowser: What?! How dare you address the King of the Koopas in that fashion! When I conquer the Mushroom Kingdom, you'll be the first ones to go!
 
Mario: I'd just like to see you try it! Come up here and say that to me again! I'll belt your shell so far down your throat, you'll choke on it!
 
Luigi: Just ignore him, Mario. He's fighting someone else tonight. Why don't you announce Player Two?
 
Mario: A pleasure! Player Two, who is going to kick Koopa's tail into next week, has been with us a couple of times before. He's the daring young boy from Hyrule's golden era!
 
Luigi: Please welcome Link the First!
 
Mario: Eh? Link the First?
 
Luigi: (Sigh) Mario, I've had to tell you about this a dozen times already. The Link who will be joining us tonight is the first of his bloodline, from that time in Hyrule when the evil Ganondorf first got his foul hands on the Triforce.
 
Mario: Um……what?
 
Luigi: (Sigh) He's the Link from the N64 game, Mario!
 
Mario: Oh, right!
 
Luigi: Geez, talk about your déjà vu….
 
At this moment, a bright green beam of light pours itself into the arena. Everyone watches the light in fascination, until Link the First slowly descends on it, riding in on the power of Farore's Wind.
 
Mario: And there he is, folks! Let's give him a big hand! Clap your hands! Clap your hands!
 
The audience claps and cheers as Link the First strides confidently towards the center of the arena.
 
Luigi: Well, since both our contestants are here and rarin' to go, I'd say it's about time to get this match started. So, without further ado, let the battle begin!
 
Voice: WAIT!!
 
Mario and Luigi: What?
 
Mario and Luigi, along with Link, Bowser, and the entire audience, looks over at the entrance to the stadium. Complete silence ensues as every living being concentrates their vision on a little old man, sporting a long white robe and equally long white beard, who has intruded into the stadium and yelled out frantically.
 
Old Man: Stop! Stop! This match cannot take place! It musn't!
 
Mario: Eh? What's he talking about?
 
Bowser: Like hell it isn't going to take place! I've been looking forward to crushing this little Nancy Boy!
 
Old Man: It cannot take place! It isn't right! It (cough) isn't (cough) right! Please! (Cough)
 
The Old Man collapses into a fit of coughing and wheezing. Two burly Kremling security guards move to drag the Old Man away.
 
Old Man: No! Leave me be! Unhand me! I must speak! This match is not right! It must not take place! Something has gone horribly wrong!
 
The Kremlings ignore the pleas of the Old Man and continue to drag him towards the exit. But Luigi suddenly raises his hand and calls out to the bouncers.
 
Luigi: I say! Bring him up here! Up here with us!
 
Mario: What?!
 
The Kremlings look at each other, puzzled, but obey orders. As the Kremlings begin to drag the Old Man to the hosting box, Mario makes his feelings known to his brother.
 
Mario: Luigi, what the hell are you playing at? This guy is obviously a lunatic! What if he's armed?! What if he's wired with Bob-Ombs?! What if he's some Middle-Eastern agent sent here to make all of us the victims of ethnic cleansing?!
 
Luigi: Relax, Mario. If he was armed, we would know by now. Those Kremlings can sniff out a deadly weapon at fifty yards.
 
Mario: Well, why are you inviting him up here?
 
Luigi: He seems distressed, Mario. He might have something important to say.
 
By this time, the Kremlings have reached the hosting box by elevator. Roughly, they heave the Old Man into the hosting box and ride back down to terra firma. The Old Man, still shaking and coughing, slowly gets to his feet and runs over to the Mario Bros.
 
Old Man: Please! You're the hosts! You must do something! You must stop this match!
 
Mario: Well, what for?
 
Old Man: I come from the N Vortex. The mystical, mysterious place where all aspects of the Nintendo dimension are examined and put into place. We at the Vortex know what has come and what is yet to come. We know what will happen and how it will happen. We decide the order with which this dimension will operate, and we do as much as we can to help it along its chosen path. But we at the Vortex felt a strange disturbance tonight, as if something was out of place. And we were right. I arrived here just in time to inform you.
 
Mario: Inform us of what?
 
Old Man: That this pair-up is all wrong. Bowser and Link shouldn't be fighting each other. All generations of Link are supposed to fight against Ganondorf Dragmire, not King Bowser Koopa. And King Bowser Koopa should be fighting you two. He shouldn't be up against any of the members of the family of Link. It's all wrong! This match must not be allowed to continue.
 
Mario: I was right. He is a nutcase.
 
Luigi: With all due respect, sir, you've obviously become a bit confused. You see, this fight is authorized and approved by the Imperial Nintendoland Deathmatch Council. I have the paperwork right here.
 
The Old Man stares at the scroll that Luigi presents to him.
 
Old Man: Good heavens! If this is all correct, then I made my journey for nothing!
 
Luigi: Well, if you like, you can stay here with us and watch the match.
 
Old Man: Hmmm….It goes against everything I stand for, but I've become too interested.
 
Mario: All right, then. Well, as long as there are not going to be any more interruptions, let the battle begin!
 
Finally, the fight starts. Bowser and Link sum each other up, each deciding what to do first. Of course, as it does in every deathmatch, the talking paves the way.
 
Bowser: Prepare to be squashed, Earring Boy! You don't stand a chance against me! I've already beaten two other opponents to a pulp in this very stadium!
 
Link: Well, you haven't contended with me yet. I've triumphed against the very essence of evil.
 
Bowser: I AM the very essence of evil, you little twerp! Prepare to fry!
 
Bowser opens his mouth wide and takes a deep breath. Before Link can figure out what his opponent is doing, a huge jet of flame erupts from Bowser's mouth. Link quickly rolls to the left, barely missing a burning fate.
 
Link: Nice try, Horn Head, but you're going to have to come up with something better than that to beat me!
 
Bowser: I intend to!
 
Bowser instantly thrusts his arms high into the air and waves his hands towards the far wall. Amazingly, a sizable section of the wall tears itself free and flings itself towards Link. Link is hit by the portion of wall and falls to the ground.
 
Bowser: Bwa ha ha ha! You can't stand up to my mighty Koopa magic!
 
Link: If I can defeat the Triforce of Power, I can easily handle your light attempts at sorcery!
 
Before Bowser can conjure up another attack, Link swiftly produces a large steel hammer. It looks quite heavy, but Link is still able to swing it high above his head and bring it down hard on the ground. A huge tremor rampages through the ground, causing Bowser to fall, as chips of the stadium wall break off.
 
Luigi: Yay, Link! Go, boy, go! Smear that creep's shell all over the place!
 
Mario: Thrash him a good one! Make him hurt!
 
Bowser: After I'm done with Blondie, here, you'll be next, ya faucet heads!
 
Of course, while Bowser is yelling at the Mario Bros, Link has time to come up from behind him and deal him a blow with his sword. But the sword simply bounces off of Bowser's tough shell.
 
Bowser: Ha! Better luck next time, Sparky!
 
Bowser brings his fist back and smashes it into his opponent. Link goes flying across the arena and hits the wall on the other side.
 
Mario and Luigi: Booo! Booo! Foul!
 
Bowser: Aw, shut up!
 
But Link is not down and out yet. In fact, he has gotten to his feet quite quickly and has already drawn a new weapon.
 
Link: Not only am I a master swordsman, but I'm also an expert with the bow and arrow!
 
Bowser: Ha! Take your best shot, Long Ears!
 
Link does so. An arrow whistles through the air towards Bowser. But the cocky Koopa King turns his back on Link. The arrow hits Bowser's hard shell and falls to the ground, broken.
 
Bowser: I don't believe it! You're even more pathetic than that fool, Ganondorf!
 
A certain darkness suddenly spreads across Link's eyes.
 
Link: Nobody, but nobody, compares me to Ganondorf!
 
Link thrusts his hand into his quiver and pulls out a new arrow, different in physical appearance from his other arrows.
 
Link: Let's see how you react to the Fire Arrow!
 
Link sends the Fire Arrow rocketing through the air towards Bowser. But Bowser is confident that his thick reptilian skin will protect him from the heat. However, he is wrong. The arrow explodes inches from Bowser's body, sending a sheath of flame all over the giant turtle. Bowser, engulfed in fire, drops to the ground and rolls around, desperately trying to put the flames out.
 
Mario and Luigi: Yeehaw! Link, link, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! Go Link! Go Link!
 
Old Man: Um…guys. As hosts, aren't you supposed to be unbiased?
 
Mario: Normally, yes. But I think we can make an exception in this case.
 
By now, Bowser has succeeded in putting himself out, and is now ready to put Link out. Much angrier than he was before, Bowser takes another deep breath and spews out a jet of flame, three times larger and hotter than his first one.
 
Bowser: So, you want to fight with fire, eh? Well, you ain't ever seen anything like MY fire!
 
Bowser takes yet another deep breath, and spews another fiery attack at Link, who has barely managed to dodge both infernos.
It would seem that Bowser is now a bit winded, as he is going to take a break from the fire breathing circuit. While Bowser is catching his breath, Link reaches into a pouch hanging from his belt and pulls out a curious-looking object.
 
Link: This is a Bombchu. A very popular toy where I come from. Of course, angry parents are constantly filing lawsuits against the Hyrule Toy Corp. because their children are constantly getting blown up. But, that's what we want here.
 
Bowser: You're not the only one with explosive trinkets. Check out my own little gizmo!
 
Bowser produces a small Bob-Omb and sets it down on the ground. As he winds the key, Link does the same with his Bombchu. Both combatants release their toys at the same time. The Bob-Omb and Bombchu collide with each other in the middle of the arena, creating a loud, fiery explosion, sending both Bowser and Link flying back to their corners.
 
Old Man: I say! That was awfully good! Quite entertaining! Bang! Boom! Kabloom!
 
Mario: Is this guy for real?
 
Back down in the arena, Link and Bowser have risen to their combat positions once again. Link looks determined to defeat Bowser, but the King of the Koopas doesn't look too happy himself. In fact, he looks like he's bracing himself for a barrage of powerful attacks.
 
Bowser: Prepare to die, boy!
 
Bowser breathes yet another mouthful of fire at Link. But this time, the pillar of flame splits into pieces and produces sparks that fly all over the arena. As Link hops and rolls to avoid the flames, he feels the ground tremble beneath his feet. He moves just in time to avoid being impaled by a huge, spikey rock, jutting out of the very earth.
 
Bowser: Bwa ha ha ha! No one yet has been able to stand up against my Crusher Spell!
 
Suddenly, a disturbing earthquake rampages through the arena. Bunches of huge, spiked rocks erupt from the ground, relentlessly trying to skewer Link.
 
Link: For the love of Nayru! I think it's time to change tactics.
 
Link pulls his hookshot from his belt and fires the chain at the far wall. The hook latches onto the wall firmly. Link then presses another switch on the inside of the handle, and he is whipped through the air, over to the other side of the arena, just before a deadly rock juts up to occupy the spot he had just stood in.
Bowser watches as Link flies over his head.
 
Bowser: Stop swinging around like a monkey! Get down here and fight like a man!
 
Link: Very well. If you insist!
 
Link lets go of his hookshot and falls towards Bowser, sword outstretched. The blunt end of the sword strikes Bowser on the noggin. He yells and falls over. Link lands at his side and holds his sword out towards him again. Too quickly for the naked eye to detect, Link uses the power of the Triforce of Courage to charge his sword with pure raw energy. Before Bowser can react, he finds himself flying through the air to the opposite side of the arena.
 
Link: Chew on that, if you can!
 
Bowser immediately gets to his feet and inhales deeply. By now, Link knows what is coming. Quickly, he pulls his shield from his back and holds it in front of him. The shield is red and silver, and adorned with various symbols of Hylian history and folklore. It is the legendary Mirror Shield.
Bowser spews out another fiery attack. The jet of flame hits the shield and is instantly reflected back at Bowser. The Koopa King is hit by his own firey attack, and he once again finds himself rolling around on the ground, trying to put himself out.
 
Link: The Mirror Shield will reflect anything!
 
Bowser: Reflect THIS!
 
Bowser jumps to his feet and thrusts his arm into his shell. He pulls out a large, pointed hammer, and throws it at Link. But Link swings his sword through the air at just the right moment and slices the hammer cleanly in half. The two individual pieces of the hammer fall to the ground on either side of Link. Bowser is getting angrier and angrier.
 
Bowser: GWAR! You think you can mock the might Koopa King, do you? I'll make you wish you'd never been born!
 
Mario and Luigi: 2-4-6-8! Who do we appreciate? Link! Link! Go, Link!
 
Bowser: Shut up!
 
Mario and Luigi: Go, Link! Make him quake, make him shake! Stick that sword into that snake!
 
Bowser, angered by the Mario Brothers, takes his fury out on Link, spinning quickly through the air and catching the young warrior with his powerful tail. Link grunts in discomfort and sprawls across the ground.
 
Old Man: I say! This is getting to be quite violent!
 
As Bowser charges towards Link, the valiant swordsman rolls in between his stomping legs and maneuvers to the other side of the arena. Still furious, Bowser turns abruptly and chases after his opponent. Link tries to ready another Fire Arrow, but is too slow, as Bowser catches up with him.
Bowser grabs Link by the throat and lifts him into the air. Bower's claws tighten around Link's throat as the youth struggles to break free. Finally, Bowser whips Link over his shoulder and hurls him through the air, all the way over to the other side of the arena. Link hits the wall and struggles to get his breath back while Bowser advances on him once again.
 
Link: Why don't you just give up? You know I'll beat you! Good always wins over evil! And you're as evil as they come! You don't stand a chance against…..Wait a minute!
 
Link suddenly jumps to his feet and reaches for his bow once again. But he doesn't go for a Fire Arrow this time. Instead, the arrow he produces is a bright, shiny, golden color.
 
Link: This is the Light Arrow! The only weapon in the world that is truly, 100% effective against evil.
 
Old Man: If you don't count the nuclear warhead, anyway….
 
Link: Its power is pure good. It can do no evil. It does not have the capability to damage one with a kind heart. You, however, have no kind heart. If you have any heart at all, that is.
 
It is clear that the Light Arrow is having an effect on Bowser before Link even fires it. Its pure goodness is disturbing the bad Koopa King, both mentally and physically. Link arms the bow with the Light Arrow and aims at Bowser, who appears to be in a daze.
 
Link: Let the power of this golden missile smite evil from the earth and make Kindness, Wisdom, and Courage its king!
 
Link fires the Light Arrow. It sings through the air until it reaches Bowser. It hits the front of his shell and explodes in a blinding flash of light. Bowser stumbles to the ground and is immediately encased inside of a golden prism. For a few moments, all Bowser can think about is how much the arrow hurts, even though it never pierced his skin. It's the purity of the arrow that makes Bowser cringe and writhe in agony. Hundreds of images pass through his mind. His enemies, the Super Mario Brothers. His constant kidnappings of Princess Peach Toadstool. His seven children, just as bad as he was. His great armies, ready to follow him to the death. Then came the surge of regret. He thought about how he had never been able to take the lands he had wanted. About how he was the laughing stock of the reptilian world, just because he couldn't defeat a pair of flesh-and-blood humans. About how all his attempts to be somebody had failed. He could have done so much more with his life. How had it all come to this?
Then, Bowser could think no more. In fact, he fell unconscious. The Light Arrow was in total control now. The golden prism wrapped itself around Bowser, faster and faster, until it became a miniature tornado. It whipped Bowser around like a rag doll, until finally, it ejected him. The King of the Koopas flew from the tornado funnel like a bullet from a gun. The tornado softly died down as Bowser flew over the horizon and out of sight.
After the audience realizes that Bowser has been defeated, they begin to cheer uproariously for their champion, Link the First.
 
Mario: All right! Way to go, Link!
 
Old Man: I say! That was quite extraordinary! What happened?
 
Link: The Light Arrow was so pure that it pierced the very essence of Bowser's being, forcing him to look at himself. Koopa was so evil and twisted that even he, himself, couldn't stand it. He was completely overpowered.
 
Old Man: How splendid! An exciting match, PLUS a lesson on the reptilian subconscious!
 
Luigi: Indeed. Well, folks, we're glad you could join us, and we hope that you enjoyed the battle as much as we did. Until next week, this is Mario, Luigi, and the Old Man from the N Vortex, signing off.
 
 
This summary was written by: Metal Mario