NintendoLand Deathmatch summary
Bowser VS. Wario

It's a hot summer night in the Deathmatch Arena. The huge, bright hot arena lights, surronded by loudly buzzing gnats and moths. A huge crowd has gathered to watch the latest deathmatch, Bowser vs. Wario. In the announcing box high above the huge audience bleachers, two hosts are in their coordinating red and green seats, fighting to stay awake, their heads leaning on the long desks in front of them, which is strewn with candy wrappers, empty soda bottles, cigarette packs. Inbetween the piles of trash, practically buried in the mess, are two microphones.
 
Our deathmatch announcers are in almost as bad shape as their announcing box. Mario is on a hangover, asleep with his head on the desk, slightly drooling, a half-burnt cigarette clutched in one sweaty hand and an empty booze bottle in the other. He is snoring loudly, and because he has his head right next to the microphone they are echoing across the arena. Luigi, on the other hand, is wide awake and on an extreme sugar high, his eyes so big they nearly seem to be popping out of his head, spinning around on his green swivel chair so quickly that he is a blur. Even when he pauses to reload on more raw sugar or caffeine.
 
As the lights brighten, the audience begins to cheer, and Luigi stops spinning in his chair and grasps his microphone in one hand -- his other is clutching a Dr. Pepper that reads, near the bottom of the can, "Extra Caffeine!" -- to provide commentary on the match. Even when he is sitting still, he is vibrating at an amazing speed, as though he were a vibrating bed that somebody had just popped a quarter into.
 
Luigi: (yelling) Hello, hello, hello, ladies, gentleman, and unidentifiable creatures of the night! Hello and welcome to Deathmatch arena, where the arch enemies of Nintendoland come each week to battle it out! Thank you all for turning up for this special night battle between those cruel bad guys of the night -- the two evil villians you love or you love to hate -- the evilest of evil, Wario and Bowser! (Luigi puts the microphone down and turns to Mario, who has half opened his eyes, still on his extreme sugar high and vibrating worse than ever) Hey, Mario, do you wanna go sky diving after the match is over, Mario? Mario, hey, Mario, how 'bout we go hop on our speed boats and go for a race in the river along DK Parkway, Mario? Do you want to, Mario, huh? Oh, Mario, how 'bout we go run in a marathon? The Boston Marathon is coming up, isn't Mario? How 'bout we practice for it? How 'bout it, Mario?
 
Mario stares at his brother as though he is some sort of hallucenaginic apparition. Luigi's speech is so quick and his words so run together that Mario was only able to catch a few words. After a long pause he lets his booze bottle slip from his hand unnoticed and grasps his microphone in a stupor of sleepiness. His speech is slow and slurred, almost as difficult to understand as Luigi's.
 
Mario: Hello...people...Welcome to Deathmatch Arena. It'sa-meeeeeee...uh...Mario. I'm here with my friend...(He glances back at Luigi for a moment)...the Jolly Green Giant to talk...about...stuff...(His voice suddenly hits a falsetto, and he sounds like a little girl) Hey, you all look like little ants from up here. Little...tiny...ants...or bugs...Hello, down there...hehehehe...
 
Luigi: (still very hyper, talking as quickly as ever) And here come this week's competitors, Wario and Bowser! (The crowd roars.) And, look, they've brought friends! It looks like they have with them the special guests for this match! Please welcome Lemmy and Iggy and Waluigi! (The crowd cheers even louder.)
 
Bowser's clown copter has landed on one top platform of the arena. We see Bowser, that strange turtle hybrid creature who looks like a cross between a blast-ended skrewt and a Norwegian Ridgeback (The guy looks like he popped right out of a Harry Potter book!), head down a flight of stairs to the fighting grounds, while his twin sons, Iggy and Lemmy, make their way down the platform toward the announcing box. The twins, it's quite obvious, are also on a sugar high, but not nearly as far gone as Luigi. Wario and Waluigi arrive on the fighting grounds of the arena, Wario in an antique Rolls Royce, and Waluigi in an antique jalopy. Waluigi begins to make his way up to the announcing box.
 
Luigi: (still hyper) Is there anything the two of you would like to say before we start the match?
 
Lemmy: (very excited) King Dad's gonna win!
 
Iggy: (in the same manner as Lemmy) Hi, Larry.
 
Lemmy: Hi, Ludwig.
 
Iggy: Hi, Wendy.
 
Lemmy: Hi, Morton.
 
Iggy: Hi, Roy.
 
Lemmy: Hi, Kamek.
 
Iggy: Hi, Koopa The Quick.
 
Lemmy: Hi, Ness.
 
Iggy: Hi, Ash.
 
Lemmy: Hi, Pikachu.
 
Iggy: Hi, Toasty.
 
Lemmy: Hi, Metal Mario.
 
Iggy: Hi, Fry Guy.
 
Waluigi: (arriving in the box) Isn't the phase, "Hi, Mom"?
 
Lemmy: (slowly, as though he is just realizing it) Hey, do we...even have a mom?
 
Iggy: We've got to have a mom.
 
Lemmy: But...who is our mom?
 
Iggy: (yelling) Hey King Dad, who's our mother?
 
Bowser: (facing Wario in Dragonball Z fighting style) NOT NOW!
 
Lemmy: But we want to know what happened to our mom.
 
Mario: (still very drunk) I slept...with her...last night. She was a...a...a pink pony...hehehe
 
Luigi: Anything you'd like to say, ugly?
 
Waluigi: (with total politeness) Yes, thank you, there is. I'm gonna kill you in the upcoming Luigi vs. Waluigi match.
 
Luigi: Hey, do ya wanna fight right now? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?
 
Waluigi: I don't have the time.
 
Mario: It's ten o'clock. (He then laughs uproarisly, as though he has said something very funny)
 
Lemmy and Iggy: (in unison) Time's a-wastin'. Game start! (The crowd cheers.)
 
Bowser: Finally! Take this, ya big-nosed freak!
 
Bowser then inhaled deeply and shot out a wave of fire. Wario dodged this, and took out a dragon-like cap out of his pocket.
 
Wario: (wistfully) A thing of danger is a joy forever. (to Bowser) And I do not have a big nose!
 
Iggy: Yeah, whatever, you freak! Your nose is bigger than Ringo Starr's!
 
Wario: (a gasp of offended horror) Why, you disgusting little maggot! (to Bowser) Can't you control your stupid little brats, you giant lizard?
 
Bowser: (looking very proud) They are little brats, aren't they?
 
Luigi: A nice twist on a famous quote, Wario!
 
Lemmy: That's not a famous quote.
 
Iggy: These are famous quotes.
 
Lemmy: Luke, I am your father.
 
Iggy: Frankly, my dear, I just don't give a damn.
 
Lemmy: I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too.
 
Iggy: I see dead people.
 
Lemmy: I coulda been a contenda.
 
Iggy: Play it agian, Sam.
 
Mario: (on the top of his chair) I'm the king of the world!
 
Wario: Shut up, you fools! I'm about to use my King Sea Dragon hat!
 
As Wario was about to use his King Sea Dragon hat on Bowser, Bowser snapped his fingers and a diamond glowed around his body. A second later, a giant Mecha Koopa bust out of the wall of the arena and stomped on top of Wario.
 
Mario: Oooohhhh....big pink....elephant.
 
Lemmy and Iggy: Way to go, King Dad!
 
Waluigi: Shut up, you little brats! Your dad's done for!
 
Wario brings another cap of another of his many pockets. This one looks much like the one he is already wearing, except it has horns on each side, like a viking helmet. As he places it on his bushy black hair, his muscle begin to grow enourmously, stretching and tearing his clothes. (The crowd gasps and cheers.) Wario runs at Bowser, but as he is about to attack, Bowser blows his fire breath out again, burning Wario's cap and returning Wario to his regular size. (The crowds yells even louder, some negative boos and positive hoorays.)
 
Iggy: Way to go, King Dad! Kick his butt!
 
Waluigi: Why you little punk -- If you don't shut up...(He lunges across the table to attack Iggy. Iggy freezes in his chair and makes a small nervous sound as Waluigi advances.)
 
Lemmy: (standing up on his ball, pointing his wand at Waluigi, who freezes halfway toward Iggy.) Go ahead, make my day.
 
Bowser: (with Vegeta-like scorn) You should have known you would be no match for me, Wario, you fool. Your fighting power is no where near mine. Why do you always choose to fight such loosing battles? You're always such a ridiculous little gnat.
 
Wario: (with sudden tears in his eyes) You -- you just had to call me a gnat, didn't you? (Collapsing into very sudden sobs, the arena going deadly silent.) Oh, you don't know the half of it. I wasn't always evil...I was once a -- a sweet, innocent little boy, but Mario -- oh, that foolish, scornful Mario -- he art a villian -- it was my -- my rage for him that drove me to become the evil person I am today. He -- he let me be crushed by a Thwomp while he was showing me how to make coins...He ignored my cries for help while I was being tortured by that -- that pirhana plant...Oh, even today I can't go near the things! He laughed at me the one time I got to be the sheriff...and now -- Oh, look, he's gone into a drunken stupor while I've been talking! (Wario collapses to the ground, sobbing.)
 
Bowser: (bursting into sudden tears as well) Oh, Wario, oh, I know just how you feel...I, too, had such...such a traumatic childhood...It was my father, Morton Sr., who did it...You see, I was always in action games, racing and sports games...sometimes RPG. I excelled in them. I loved doing games -- it was my real passion in life...I did so well...I won awards, you know. I felt for sure I'd make my dad proud, but all he wanted me to do was be in fighting games...He ignored all my other achievements, ones I'd worked so hard for. I felt for sure he'd have to love me if I won this one very special award...one that was given out to best overall villians...I worked so hard for it, oh, how hard I tried! And when I finally got it, I went to -- to show it to my dad and he said -- he said... (Bowser pauses to wipe his eyes, then goes on. He's obviously been wanting to say this for a very long time.) He said, "Couldn't you have just been ! in fighting games, son? Like your old man?" And then -- then -- No, that's not the worst of it! -- he came to the ceremony, the little celebration, where I was supposed to get my award, to have it presented it to me. He sat in the back, shredding a copy of -- of that day's newspaper and putting in a little wastepaper basket right next to him. He -- he shredded up the whole thing and -- and -- and then...(Bowser is crying very hard, his voice sounds very hurt)...he put it all in the wastepaper basket and lit in on fire with his lighter. He -- he yelled, "Fire! Fire!" and everybody ran out...He -- he ruined my award ceremony...
 
Wario: Oh, Bowser, I know just how you feel, like you don't belong...
 
Bowser: Like nobody loves you...
 
The two hug each other, sobbing, as they leave the fighting grounds of the arena. Up in the box, Lemmy and Iggy are disgusted.)
 
Lemmy: Man, what a sappy match this turned out to be!
 
Iggy: Yeah, it's like someone just rolled it around and around in sap, the whole thing!
 
Luigi: (still very hyper) But now what I am gonna do? Huh, what? Mario?
 
Mario has awoken from his hangover and is hurling all over the crowd below.
 
Lemmy: Cool! It's like that story Gordy told...
 
Iggy:...Yeah, in "Stand By Me."
 
Luigi: Hey, do you kids wanna come race on Wario's Raceway with me?
 
Iggy and Lemmy: Sure!
 
Luigi (calling to Bowser): Hey, Bowser, I'm takin' your kids out to Wario's Raceway, OK?
 
Bowser's voice sounds from the Clown Copter, still sobbing.
 
Bowser: Yes, go, boys! Have the childhood I never did!
 
Luigi, Lemmy, and Iggy leave the top box. Mario is still hurling on the audience. Waluigi has his face buried in his hands and is shaking his head.
 
This deathmatch was written by Lance, with great help and editing from an anonymous Ness fan. By the way, whatever happened to the phrase "Game start!" right when the deathmatch begins? It was such a good phrase, let's try to bring it back! Other deathmatch writers, please help me to revive the phrase; it is traditional. Thank you...