NintendoLand Deathmatch summary #1
Bowser VS. Wart

The Nintendoland Deathmatch Stadium. For the life of him, Toad couldn’t possibly think who had come up with that name. It was so boring. As the Mushroom Retainer stood outside the stadium walls, he felt sure, more than ever, that he could have thought up a better name for the vast arena that seated thousands. Toad wouldn’t have called it the Nintendoland Deathmatch Stadium. He would have thought up something snappy and clever, such as Smash Stadium, or maybe even Awesome Arena. Of course, those sounded quite adolescent, but Toad couldn’t help it. Boring names depressed him. But Toad wasn’t here to critique the title of the stadium. He was here to make an important announcement. Nodding to some of his friends in the audience, he made his way up the steps to the empty hosting box on the highest balcony in the stadium and took hold of the microphone.
 
Toad: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome to the show.
 
Audience Member: Oi! Who are you? I thought we were going to get the Super Mario Brothers! Not some stupid-looking fungus face!
 
Toad ignores the rude man and keeps his temper as he continues to speak.
 
Toad: As I was saying, welcome to the show. Now, others of you may have also noticed that Mario and Luigi are strangely absent tonight. Well, rest assured that they’re here. But they’re still backstage, preparing themselves.
 
Toad sees the looks of confusion and bewilderment on the faces of the spectators. So he seeks to explain further.
 
Toad: It’s really rather awkward, actually. I’m sure that most of you have heard the worldwide complaint about the Mario Brothers being too childish or kiddy. Well, Mario and Luigi have just heard about it, and it hit them pretty hard. It rather depressed them, in fact. So now they’re making an effort to endear themselves to the older portion of their audience. That’s what I wanted to say. You see, Mario and Luigi’s idea of acting more "mature" doesn’t exactly fit with yours or mine. In fact, it’s ridiculous. So I just wanted to stress how important it is that we do not make fun of them. Please be sensitive and understanding. After all, I’m sure that all of you have gone through similarly difficult times in your lives, and they’re really only trying to get the ignorant bastards who called them childish to like them again. So, please be kind. Thank you.
 
Toad just finishes with his speech when the sound of a revved-up motorcycle pierces the air.
 
Toad: If I’m right, that will be them now.
 
Toad has just enough time to leap out of the hosting box to safety before the wall shatters, sending bits of plaster and debris flying in all directions. When the dust settles, the crowd can see what looks like Mario and Luigi sitting on a motorcycle. The brothers are nearly unrecognizable, as they are similarly dressed in black leather jackets and pants, white scarves, and riding goggles. They have matching spiked dog collars fastened around their necks, clip-on earrings attached to their ears and noses, and their traditional plumbers caps are turned around backwards, so the brim stretches out over the backs of their necks. As Mario and Luigi dismount, the dumbstruck audience can see three women stepping out of the sidecar. They are Princess Toadstool, Princess Daisy, and Pauline. All three of them are dressed the same, in short tight leather skirts, pink halter tops, sheer black stockings, and knee-high high-heeled boots. Their facial features are covered with black lipstick and mascara, and each of them has a pink stripe sprayed down the length of their long hair. Mario flashes a grin at the crowd.
 
Mario: Hey, what’s up, Cats and Kittens? Nice to see all you dudes here this gnarly night! Are ya ready for some totally tubular action?
 
Of course, Mario receives no answer from the stunned crowd. So Luigi tries.
 
Luigi: We hope all you dudes are hyped up for some heavy-duty blamming and slamming tonight, because we’ve got more action than a pile of red Koopa Troopas during the mating season on the night of the full moon! There ain’t nothing gonna stop us, dudes! Because we da men!
 
The crowd still says nothing. Luigi lowers his head and turns to his brother.
 
Luigi: You know something, Mario? This just isn’t working.
 
Mario: You’re right, Luigi. And I was so sure that the backward hats would get them
 
Luigi turns to the three girls beside him.
 
Luigi: Thanks for trying, girls. You’re real troopers.
 
Peach: Yeah, well, we’ll see how much trooping I’m doing when I get back to the castle and find out that I can’t get this pink gunk out of my hair.
 
Daisy: This dog collar is making my neck itch
 
Pauline: For this, I deserve a thank you bigger than the Duchess of York after Christmas dinner.
 
Luigi: Yes, yes, I know. Sorry. But it was worth a shot. And don’t worry. We’ll pay for whatever method it takes to sponge that make-up off.
 
The three girls grumble to each other and leave the stadium via the elevator. Mario and Luigi wipe the sweat from their brows and turn back to the crowd.
 
Mario: Well, I suppose that we might as well get on with it, as it is getting rather late. You all know that, over the course of the last three weeks, we’ve been holding a tournament for the title of "Biggest Pain In The Butt." That tournament concludes tonight.
 
Luigi: So far, both Wario and Tatanga have been eliminated. That leaves the final match up to
 
Mario: Two of the biggest bastards I’ve ever met.
 
Luigi: Mario, please don’t start. Not when you’re wearing leather. You’ll give yourself a migraine.
 
Mario: No, Luigi, I want to say this. I want everyone here to know that, even though one of the two contestants will win here tonight, both of them are first-class losers. Dregs of society. Scum of the earth. Not even worth the waste of space that they are. Ladies and gentlemen, I despise these fighters! I’d even go so far as to say that I loathe them! Unfortunately, I am only the mascot of Nintendo, but if I owned the whole blasted company, I would make positively certain that neither of these despicable heathens ever saw the light of day again. They would be locked away in the realm of Stanley the Bugman, to burn forever in the worst hell that any video game character can possibly imagine! The Realm of Neglected Characters! Never again would they be sketched on the drawing boards! Never again would they be featured in even the shortest of games! Never again would they .
 
Luigi: Mario, we only have another hour’s worth of TV coverage.
 
Mario: (Sigh) All right, all right. Might as well get this show on the road.
 
Luigi: Good. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to direct your fear and hatred towards Player One, entering the Stadium now. King Bowser Koopa, scourge of the Mushroom Kingdom and expert Princess-nabber.
 
The audience jeers and boos as Bowser strides confidently into the arena.
 
Mario: And Player Two, equally as insufferable, is Wart, the odious Toad Prince.
 
Wart receives the same reaction from the audience as he takes his corner.
 
Mario: Now, since we have all seen Bowser and Wart fight in the past, we figured it might be a bit more interesting if we made things a little different. So we’ve temporarily changed the rules and told both contestants that they are not allowed to use their signature moves. They shall have to use what few brains they have to invent new, creative ways of attacking each other.
 
Luigi: Have you both decided what you’re going to do?
 
Bowser: Yes, now get on with it! I can’t wait to turn this loser into egg salad.
 
Luigi: Um all right. Well, then go to it!
 
Mario: Yeah, tear each other apart! See if I care!
 
Bowser and Wart ignore Mario’s remark and begin summing each other up. As always, the talking paves the way for the fighting.
 
Bowser: Ready to receive the thrashing of your life, frog?
 
Wart: I am a toad, you grozzy little reptile. And it is I who shall be thrashing you.
 
Bowser: Bah! How?
 
Wart: On my many travels through the human sub-conscious, I have discovered many things. Many products of the mind. Products of dreams. Art in all its forms. For centuries, I have collected these wondrous elements, and kept them sealed away, for if I were to unleash them, the results would be devastating.
 
Bowser: Not half as devastating as what I’m going to do to you! I’ve decided to unleash the power of my Party Tricks! I used them at both of Mario’s parties, and I must say that I kicked his butt like never before!
 
Mario: That’s a lie! I won, with no less than seven stars!
 
Bowser: Can it, Faucet Head!
 
Luigi: Isn’t it about time you guys started fighting? Or at least slapping each other around a bit?
 
Wart: I’ll do more than slap him! He’ll tremble like never before when I unleash my first Element of the Mind!
 
Wart quickly reaches into the confines of his royal robes and pulls out what looks like a small hand grenade.
 
Wart: Anime Grenade, I choose you!
 
With that, Wart tosses the grenade onto the ground. But instead of exploding, the grenade hatches like an egg, and a bright white light seeps out and immediately engulfs the entire stadium.
 
Mario: What the heck is that numskull doing? He’s only supposed to thrash Bowser! Not us!
 
The light quickly disappears as soon as it came. But as everyone’s eyes begin to adjust once again, they notice that something is profoundly different. No one looks the same as they did before. All male members of the audience have become short and thin, with oversized glasses resting on their faces, and brown Beatles-style haircuts resting upon their perfectly round heads. The female audience members are not much better off. They have all been converted into young, beautiful high school students, with short skirts, blushing cheeks, and green hair. Wart seems to be the only one who is not affected by this change. Luigi instantly realizes what has happened.
 
Luigi: Egad! Wart’s turned the entire stadium into a really bad Anime sketch!
 
Mario: What?! Oh no! WAAAAHHH!!!
 
With that exclamation, Mario faints. Luigi isn’t worried, because he knows that it is perfectly normal for people to constantly faint in Anime. Bowser, however, is more shaken. A horn suddenly honks as Bowser looks down at himself, since horns always honk whenever an Anime character is surprised. Sweat drops shoot off of Bowser’s forehead and remain suspended in mid-air, as Anime sweat drops are prone to do. But Bowser’s worst surprise is yet to come.
 
Bowser: My teeth! My teeth! What’s happened to my teeth?!
 
Wart: (chuckle) Silly turtle. You should know that Anime characters never have any teeth. Only big red mouths with nothing in them.
 
Luigi: Wow. Wart wasn’t kidding when he had said that the results would be devastating.
 
Luigi looks down to see Mario coming to his senses.
 
Luigi: Hey, Mario, are you all right?
 
Mario: Yeah, I guess. But why have I got teardrops in my eyes? I’m not crying.
 
Luigi: It’s just another Anime thing, Mario.
 
Mario: Oh.
 
Bowser: You cretin! No one ever gets away with depriving King Bowser Koopa of his pearly whites! Prepare to be skewered by Captain Bowser!
 
A yellow light instantly engulfs Bowser. Five seconds later, the light dissipates and Bowser reappears, wearing a pirate’s hat and brandishing a sharp cutlass.
 
Bowser: Yo ho ho and a bottle of Koopa Kola! Shiver me timbers and walk the plank! Belay there, me old landlubber! I’ll run ya through with me broadsword!
 
Mario: It just gets weirder and weirder, doesn’t it?
 
Bowser: Avast, ya swab! Keelhaul the keyhole and lower the boom!
 
Mario: Um did you say "boom?"
 
Bowser: Arr! What be the matter, ya landlubbin’ galoot? When I say boom, I mean BOOM!
 
Mario: That’s what I thought you said. Here’s a boom for you, pal.
 
Mario reaches down beside his chair and produces a stick of dynamite. He then lights the fuse with a match and tosses the stick into the arena, where it lands at Bowser’s feet. The explosive goes off, indeed creating a big boom. Bowser lowers his eyebrows in a frown as more Anime sweatdrops appear around his head.
 
Luigi: Mario, that was very naughty. You know you’re not supposed to interfere in the matches.
 
Mario: I know, Luigi, but I couldn’t help myself. I was a victim of circumstance.
 
Bowser: I’ll deal with you later, Plumber! Right now, I’m busy beating this twerp over here into the dirt!
 
Wart: It’s painstakingly clear that you are a glutton for punishment. If my Anime Grenade will not send you away with your tail between your legs, then taste the unharnessed fury of my Disney Grenade!
 
Bowser: Disney Grenade?
 
Wart: Indeed! It will transform you into a talking forest animal!
 
Bowser: But I’m already a talking turtle. Do you really think it will make much difference?
 
Wart: Hmm, I see your point. All right then, prepare to be dazzled by my RPG Grenade!
 
Before anyone can react, Wart throws down his second grenade. All traces of Anime in the stadium suddenly disappear, but different changes take place. Bowser and Wart are transported to opposite sides of the stadium, facing each other. They do not move, but simply stand still.
 
Mario: What the heck are they waiting for? I was enjoying the sight of them ripping into each other.
 
Luigi: Mario, you should know that RPG battles consist of alternating turns. The fight has just started. And it looks like Bowser goes first.
 
The enormous TV screen above the stadium cuts to a close-up view of the battle between Bowser and Wart. A dialogue box stretches across the top of the screen, displaying the words: BOWSER USES CUTLASS.

Bowser leaps forward, strikes Wart with his pirate’s sword, then leaps back to his original position.
 
Screen: 20 DAMAGE POINTS GIVEN TO WART. WART USES MEDALLION.
 
Wart raises the medallion that hangs around his neck and faces it towards Bowser. A bright beam of light shoots out of the medallion and strikes Bowser.
 
Screen: 50 DAMAGE POINTS GIVEN TO BOWSER. WHAT’S THIS?! BOWSER IS EVOLVING!
 
A bright light once again engulfs Bowser. When the light fades, Captain Bowser is gone, and the dreaded Wizard Bowser has taken his place.
 
Screen: CAPTAIN BOWSER HAS EVOLVED INTO WIZARD BOWSER! WART USES DEFENSE.
 
Bowser reaches into his robes and produces a glittering magic wand. He points it at Wart.
 
Screen: BOWSER USES FROG SPELL.
 
Bowser: Abra-ca-frogra!
 
A bright beam shoots out of the tip of the wand and strikes Wart. But nothing is happening.
 
Screen: SINCE WART IS ALREADY A TOAD, HE IS UNAFFECTED BY THE ATTACK.
 
Wart: Enough of this nonsense! Time to finish this!
 
Wart produces his third Grenade. As he throws it onto the ground, the familiar white light once again spreads throughout the stadium, and the RPG scuffle is ended. But when the light fades, there is no sign of Wart. He seems to have disappeared.
 
Bowser: All right, you coward! Where are you?
 
Wart: I am here!
 
Bowser spins around to see Wart standing behind him.
 
Wart: Or I could be here!
 
Bowser turns to his left to see another Wart standing next to him.
 
Wart: I could be anywhere!
 
Bowser looks all around him. By now, a circle of Wart clones have filed in around him. Bowser is confused. He can’t decide who is the real enemy. They all look exactly alike. Smugly, the Wart to his right speaks to him.
 
Wart: Currently, all of us have our medallions set on maximum energy, pointed directly at your skull. The blast will be enough to disintegrate you. The only way you can save yourself is by deciding which of us is the original article. You only have two minutes. Make your choice. Win, lose, or die.
 
To say that Bowser is not nervous would be untrue. He is, in fact, exceedingly nervous. If the Anime Grenade was still in effect, he’d be surrounded by floating sweat drops. Bowser darts his eyes left and right, desperately searching for some tiny distinction between the clones and the real Wart. But there is none.
 
Mario: Go on, Bowser! Don’t keep us in suspense! Just choose one and get it over with! After all, what have we got to lose?

Bowser is just about to give in when he remembers what Wart said earlier. The medallions are all pointed directly at his head. Wart is just about the same size as Bowser, so this should work. As far as Bowser can see, it is his only option.

The two minutes are almost up. Ten seconds left. Five seconds left. Two seconds left.
 
Wart: Time’s up, Bowser. Prepare yourself for the Great Beyond!
 
The medallions fire simultaneously. At the last possible second, Bowser ducks his head inside of his shell. The beams of the medallions pass harmlessly over him and blast into the clones on all sides of the defensive Koopa King. Due to Bowser’s dodge, the circle of clones have succeeded in shooting each other. The clones vaporize into thin air, leaving the real Wart cowering on the ground. Bowser growls at him.
 
Bowser: Now you’ll see what a REAL combatant can do! Taste the wrath of Black Hole Bowser.
 
Bowser flickers with light once more and transforms into the notorious space pirate, Black Hole Bowser, armed with a disturbingly large gun. Wart’s eyes grow wide as he sees the Koopa King approaching him. His medallion drained of energy, Wart sees no option but to avoid the attack. He quickly picks himself up and starts running away. Bowser gives chase, bringing his gun to bear.
 
Bowser: You’re not getting away! You can’t escape the mighty King of the Koopas!
 
Bowser pulls the trigger on his gun. A beam shoots out of the barrel and forms a small, yet ominous, black hole, floating in the middle of the stadium. Instantly, a strong wind begins to blow from the black hole, sucking Wart towards it.
 
Bowser: Unless you’ve got lead weights in your feet, you won’t escape your fate!
 
Indeed, Wart is being sucked towards the black hole. Despite his efforts to escape, he is flung off his feet and pulled towards the black hole.
 
Wart: You’ll pay for this! No prison can contain me! I’ll make you regret this until the day you diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!
 
With those final parting words, Wart is drawn into the black hole, which instantly closes on him. Bowser wipes the dust from his hands and puts his gun away.
 
Bowser: And that’s a wrap.
 
Luigi: Well, it would appear that Bowser is the winner of the first Nintendoland Deathmatch Tournament.
 
Mario: Oh, woopdy-doo.
 
Luigi: Do you think we should give him the trophy, Mario?
 
Mario: Oh, why not? It only cost us ten bucks at K-Mart anyway.
 
Luigi: Well, folks, the tournament has come to an end. Bowser was revealed to be the strongest of our enemies. Of course, we all know that he can’t hold a candle to us, but let’s save that for another fight. For now, on behalf of Mario and myself, good night.
 
Summary written by: Metal Mario
 
 

NintendoLand Deathmatch summary #2
Bowser VS. Wart 

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to NintendoLand Deathmatch Stadium. Tonight’s matchup is the final in the best villain tournament, King Bowser Koopa vs. Wart. Now here are your hosts, Mario and Luigi.
 
Two warp pipes appear in the announ!cer’s box. Mario and Luigi pop out of the pipes and land in their chairs. They both put on their head-mounted microphones.
 
Mario: Hello, everybody! It’s-a-me, Mario!
 
Luigi: Don’t forget, it’s-a-also-a-me, Luigi!
 
Mario: We have an interesting line-up tonight, Bowser against Wart.
 
Luigi: Man, I haven’t heard the name Wart in years.
 
Mario: His ass was so easy to kick, I could do it in my dreams.
 
Luigi: Yeah, it was pretty easy.
 
Mario: Wait a minute! It was my dream! How the hell do you know?
 
Luigi: Oh, um, I mean, heh heh, it was easy, uh, by the way you described it. It’s not like there’s some conspiracy going on with Nintendo and they paid me large amounts of money in a secret Swiss bank account and told me to pretend you just had a dream. Nope, nothing like it.
 
Mario: Oooookay. Well, where’s that loser Bowser.
 
Indistinct voice: Bwa, ha, ha! Watch your mouth!

!ar A large pillar of fire flashes in the center of the ring. When the fire clears, the one and only Bowser, the Koopa King, appears in the ring.
 
Bowser: Cool entrance, eh?
 
Mario (sarcastically): Yeah, yeah. I can’t believe we’re giving this nice of a trophy to a villain.
 
Bowser: Hey, don’t make me come up there! By the way, start engraving my name on the trophy.
 
Mario: Remember, this deathmatch is between you and Wart, not you and me.
 
Bowser: Well, if it was between the two of us, you know who would win.
 
Mario: Yeah, me.
 
Bowser: I’m gonna-
 
Suddenly, deep laughter is heard. The laughter rises to a roar. The floor busts open and shoots out Wart.
 
Wart: You fools think I’m soooo weak. Well, guess what, I’m going to win. Bowser doesn’t stand a chance.
 
Bowser: You’re nothing but an fat lizard! I used to squish lizards all the time when I was a Koopling.
 
Wart: He!y, lay off the weight jokes! I’m taking MetaboLife.
 
Mario: All right, let’s begin this match!
 
Mario rings the bell. Bowser and Wart circle the ring like two bull moose in breeding season. Bowser leaps at Wart with lightning speed. The fat lizard goes flying into the wall.
 
Wart: Oof!
 
Wart lays on the floor. He is bleeding severely but manages to get to his feet. Bowser works up a fireball in his mouth and spits it Wart. Wart is hit and sprawls to the floor. He rolls all over trying to put the fire out.
 
Wart: Oooh! Hot! Hot!
 
Wart is finally able to put the fire out. He lays on the floor, nearly dead.
 
Bowser: You gotta be kidding me! It can’t be this easy.
 
Wart: No, it can’t. I will now show you my real power.
 
Wart hops off the floor and turns red. His inferno eyes shine menacingly. He begins to swell to a size twice of Bowser. Horns pop out of his head and his teeth grow to ten inches !long.
 
Mario: Holy shit!
 
Bowser stands in awe. He finally comes back to reality.
 
Bowser: Yeah, well, I’ll still kill you.
 
Wart: ( in a deep, growling voice )Challenge accepted.
 
Wart opens his mouth and spews out large bubbles of venom. Bowser is bombarded and infected with the poison. Wart then raises his hand high in the air. Huge jagged rocks tear through the floor around Bowser. Wart then blows out bubbles containing lava. The lava bubbles explode burning Bowser. The Koopa King is knocked to the floor.
 
Wart: Come on, weakling! I thought you were so tough.
 
Bowser: I didn’t plan on using magic in this battle. I wanted to use brute strength. But since you’re too much of a wussy to fight me straight on, I’ll use my magic.
 
Bowser twirls his hands in the air. Dark clouds form on the ceiling. Dozens of lighting bolts spear Wart. A great wind picks up Wart and slams him to t!he ground. The whole stadium shakes upon impact.
 
Mario: If they keep this up, they’ll destroy the whole stadium!
 
Luigi: Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll both kill each other.
 
Mario: You know, you might be right. This is a special occasion
 
Mario picks the phone up off of his desk.
 
Mario: Yeah, Pizza Hut, send two Pepperoni pizzas to NintendoLand Deathmatch Stadium 125 Video Game Blvd.
 
Wart regains his stance.
 
Wart: Is that all you got? Ha, ha, ha!
 
Wart lifts his head high into the air and spits out small black bubbles. The bubbles all form into spear heads and fly towards Bowser. He manages to protect himself with his shell. Bowser then points his finger to the ground. A large jagged rock juts up and spears Wart in the tail. The large frog is pinned and gushing blood.
 
Wart: Nooooo!
 
The large red "frog demon" slowly shrivels into his old green self. Bowser evilly grins at h!im.
 
Back in the announcer’s box, the pizza boy comes with two pizzas.
 
Luigi: Yes, pizza!
 
Mario and Luigi rip open the pizza boxes and gorge themselves. Within a matter of minutes, the pizzas are finished.
 
Mario: Oh, yeah, here’s the money
 
Mario hands the pizza boy a $20 bill.
 
Pizza boy: Where’s my tip?
 
Mario: Sorry, I’m too cheap. Scram!
 
Meanwhile, in the devastated deathmatch ring, Bowser sinks his teeth into Wart’s thigh.
 
Wart: Aaaah!
 
Bowser (muffled): That ain’t the worst of it.
 
Bowser, teeth still clenched onto Wart, blows large amounts of fire. Wart’s whole leg is burnt to a crisp. Wart now sits helpless on the floor. Bowser is ready to finish him off when Wart manages to shoot one small venom bubble. It flies right into Bowser’s mouth. He begins to choke and gag. He grabs his throat and falls to his knees. Wart stumbles to his feet and prepares to !chomp Bowser’s neck. Suddenly, Bowser pulls a glass of Able Juice from his shell. He drinks it and fully recovers.
 
Bowser: You bastard!
 
Bowser lunges at Wart and unleashes his full fury, spitting fire and biting and clawing. Wart, or what’s left of him, plops to the floor. Bowser raises his hand in victory.
 
Mario: Well, I guess Bowser can do something right.
 
Bowser: Hey!
 
Luigi: And so concludes our deathmatch. Bowser is unfortunately, I mean, officially the winner and the best villain. Well, come on and get your friggin’ trophy.
 
Luigi throws the trophy down to Bowser. He lifts it high over his head in pride.
 
Mario: Let’s get some more pizza. I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten in minutes.
 
Summary written by: NUM Master