NintendoLand Deathmatch summary
Mario VS. Sonic

On most Fridays, the Nintendoland Deathmatch Stadium is teeming with activity, playing host to some of the biggest battles this world has ever known. Titans have clashed, warriors have fought, and good has triumphed over evil. Most importantly, the citizens of the Nintendo universe have been entertained, having something to do on the weekends. But that is not the case this weekend. If you were to journey to the Stadium tonight, you wouldn't hear any sounds of battle, or cheers from enthusiastic crowds. Instead, you'd be surprised how quiet it is.
Tonight, there are no spectators in the stadium. Instead, the seats are packed with hundreds of famous Nintendo characters. Mushrooms, Yoshis, Kongs, Bombermen, and hundreds of other species populate the seating areas, waiting for someone.
Finally, that 'someone' arrives. Mario and Luigi, the Super Mario Brothers, make their appearance, entering into their usual seats in the high hosting box. The brothers look out on the crowd, and speak.
 
Mario: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I suppose you're wondering why we called this meeting.
 
Every head in the crowd nods.
 
Luigi: Well, we're glad you could all make it here, because we have a matter of some urgency on our hands.
 
The crowd holds their breath in anticipation while Mario takes the microphone once again.
 
Mario: The fact is, we've completely run out of ideas for Nintendoland Deathmatches.
 
The crowd gasps in shock and surprise as they realize that the brothers are serious.
 
Luigi: That's right. We seem to have exhausted our think tank. So we called you all here, Nintendo's finest, to ask if you have any ideas that you'd like to suggest.
 
For a few moments, there is no reaction. Then, someone on the left side of the stadium raises his hand. It is Simon Belmont, the vampire slayer.
 
Luigi: Yes, Mr. Belmont. You have an idea?
 
Simon: Yes. If it would do any good, I would be willing to challenge any given member of the Link family for the title of "Sexiest Male When Not Wearing A Shirt."
 
Luigi: Hmm…Well, we appreciate your suggestion, Mr. Belmont, but since we generally try to keep these things targeted at a family-type audience, I think we'll put that one on the back-burner for now.
 
Mario: Does anyone else have any ideas?
 
No one else raises their hand. Reluctantly, Luigi speaks into his microphone again.
 
Luigi: (Sigh) All right. Mr. Belmont, take off your shirt and come down here. And if one of the Links could please join him, shirtless of course. Thank you.
 
But before anyone can make a move, a loud explosion shakes the foundation of the stadium. As everyone watches in awe, the entire far wall of the arena crumbles and falls. When the dust finally settles, everyone can make out a small figure standing in the new opening. Luigi recognizes him before anyone else.
 
Luigi: It's Sonic the Hedgehog!
 
The crowd gasps and stares at the newcomer. Sonic the Hedgehog? Here?!
 
The crowd is silent as Sonic calmly struts into the center of the arena and produces a small, battery-powered microphone.
 
Sonic: Attention, mascots of Nintendo! Most of you know me as Sonic the Hedgehog, chief mascot of Sega!
 
Outraged, Mario jumps from his seat and yells into his own microphone.
 
Mario: What the hell are you doing here?! You were banished from Nintendoland, along with the other outsiders!
 
Sonic: Shut your face, plumber! I, the most gnarly hedgehog of coolness, represent the Sega/Sony Alliance!
 
Luigi: Sega/Sony Alliance?
 
Sonic: Right, dude! The SSA, as we like to call it, was formed about three years ago, for the purpose of over-throwing our shared enemy; Nintendo!
 
Mario: What the hell are you blabbing about?
 
Sonic: For years, we've been taking a backseat to you dudes! We've had to sit by and watch as people ignored our games and bought yours! As people passed by our consoles and went eagerly to yours! The world has always loved you dudes! Loved you more than us!
 
Luigi: Don't give us the self-pity rubbish, Sonic! You've got a cartoon show as well!
 
Sonic: That's not the point, dude! The point is that we'd all be better off if you were totally whomped! And that's what we're here to do!
 
Before Mario or Luigi can say anything else, the Stadium is shaken by additional explosions. As the crowd watches in surprise, the empty seating section is rapidly filled with Sony and Sega characters. Crash Bandicoot, Lara Croft, Spyro the Dragon, Croc the Crocodile, Gex the Gecko, and Vector-Man the robot file into the available seats. Sonic raises his microphone to his lips once again.
 
Sonic: These are our tubular brothers and sisters in our gnarly cause! They're here to watch you dudes get whomped! I wish to challenge your chief mascot dude, Mario, in a fight to the death! May the best dude win!
 
At first, Mario doesn't know what to do. He isn't sure that he wants to engage in a match with this level of weirdness. It's almost too surreal. But then he hears the shouts and cheers of his fellow Nintendoids, and he knows what he has to do.
 
Mario: All right, pal! You want a fight, you've got a fight! Get ready!
 
The Sega/Sony crowd cheers for Sonic as he puts his microphone away and readies himself. The Nintendo crowd cheers for Mario as he descends the steps to the arena.
 
Luigi: Well, it looks like we'll be having a deathmatch this week after all. Ladies and gentlemen of Nintendoland, give your applause to Player One, your chief mascot, Mario!
 
The Nintendo crowd goes wild, egging Mario on. Luigi is about to announce Sonic when he hears someone else do it for him.
 
Voice: Noble brothers and sisters of the SSA, give your applause to Player Two, your strongest warrior, Sonic the Hedgehog!
 
Luigi: Eh? Who was that?
 
All video game characters raise their eyes to the sky to see a short, orange creature riding towards the hosting box on a typical video game-type moving platform. Luigi recognizes him as Knuckles, one of Sonic's comrades.
 
Luigi: What the heck do you think you're doing?! I'm the announcer around here!
 
Knuckles: Well, you've got a guest host for tonight, pal! Besides, I might as well get into practice. After all, after Sonic kills Mario, this event shall be known as Segaland Deathmatches, and I'll be the chief announcer!
 
Luigi: You?! You'll be even worse than Jim and Benny!
 
Knuckles: What?! That was a low blow if I've ever heard one! If you don't watch it, I'll put my fist right through your face! After all, why do you think they call me Knuckles?
 
Luigi: Because you're a Knucklehead?
 
Knuckles decides to ignore this remark and takes Mario's vacant seat in the hosting box.
 
Knuckles: So, are we going to get this fight started or what?
 
Luigi: You bet we are! I can't wait to see Mario mop the floor with Sonic.
 
Knuckles: That mustache of yours would make an even better mop.
 
Luigi: Hey! Say what you like about me, but leave my mustache out of this!
 
Sonic: Will you two dudes stop chatting up there and get this fight going? This sucker is cruising for a bruising!
 
Luigi: Right! Mario! Go get him!
 
Knuckles: Thrash him, Sonic!
 
Surrounded by the enthusiastic cheers of their respective comrades, Mario and Sonic size each other up. Although neither one would admit it, they each hold a small amount of respect for the other, and they recognize each other's potential power.
 
Mario: You're going to wish you never came here, Hog! This is Nintendoland! I have the homefield advantage!
 
Sonic: That doesn't mean a thing when I can run the homefield in 3.67 seconds!
 
Before Mario can even blink, Sonic is already off and running on a direct collision course for the plumber. He smashes into Mario and keeps running all the way to the other side of the arena. The SSA crowd cheers and applauds as Mario flies up into the air after impact, then falls back to earth again.
 
Mario: Ouch…Was that a hedgehog or a miniature jet?
 
Sonic: It was your executioner, dude! No longer shall Nintendo reign supreme! Ha ha ha!
 
Mario: Well, it's no wonder that Nintendo is Number One. After all, you're the mascot for a company that has died off more times than Kenny on "South Park."
 
Sonic: And what exactly is that supposed to mean, dude?
 
Mario: It means, don't blame us for your company's incompetence!
 
This remark seems to make Sonic angry, and he prepares to dash at Mario again. But Mario sees it coming this time and leaps out of the way just in time to avoid another attack.
 
Mario: Face it, Hog. You're all washed up.
 
Luigi: That's right, Mario! You tell him!
 
Knuckles: Are you gonna let him talk to you like that, Sonic? Nail him!
 
It is apparent that Sonic is not going to let Mario talk to him like that. Instead, he dashes at Mario a third time. Mario dodges again and reaches into his overalls pocket, pulling out what looks like a mass of transparent particles in the shape of a hat. Mario slaps it onto his head and he immediately splits up into his separate bodily components. Sonic, not considering the change, charges at Mario again. But this time, Sonic dashes right through the semi-solid plumber. By the time Sonic notices that Mario tricked him, it's too late. Unable to stop himself in time, the hapless hedgehog speeds directly into the wall.
 
Luigi: Ooh! I actually heard the crunch from that impact. I'd say that's going to leave a mark.
 
Knuckles: I'll leave a mark on your jaw if you don't can it!
 
By now, Sonic has recovered from his collision with the wall and is hopping mad. And he makes his feelings known to his enemy.
 
Sonic: You stupid git! How dare you trick the Gnarly Hedgehog of Coolness? You can't possible defeat me! I'm cool, Fool! I'm rad, Dad! I'm awesome, Dawson! I'm so cool, I make ice shiver, and you're just a lame-o loser with funky taste in clothing gear!
 
Luigi: I didn't think people talked like that anymore…
 
Mario: Yeah, I've always wanted to ask you something. Why do you insist on speaking in that old slang from the seventies and eighties?
 
Sonic: It's my character design. So sue me.
 
The loud cheers of hundreds of video game characters ring in the ears of Mario and Sonic as the two fighters circle each other, searching for an opening. After a few moments of anticipation, Sonic finally makes a move. Remaining in one spot, the hedgehog suddenly begins to spin around, faster and faster, until he unexpectedly takes off through the air, like a bullet out of a gun, headed straight for Mario.
Before Mario can move, the balled-up Sonic smashes into him and sends him sprawling across the arena.
 
Knuckles: Ha! Some fighter that Mario is! All he's doing is taking hits!
 
Luigi: Don't you dare diss Mario! Why, if it weren't for him, the video game market might still be dead, and you might have never even existed!
 
Knuckles: Aw, tell it to someone who gives a Goomba's butt.
 
Meanwhile, back down in the arena, Mario has recovered from Sonic's attack, and has been busy dodging a few others.
 
Sonic: Ha! Where's your big talk now, dude? Why don't you fight back, instead of bouncing around like a Mexican Jumping Bean?
 
Mario: Fight back? You got it! One high-impact, super-powered, patented Stomp, coming right up!
 
In an unexpected move, Mario comes down through the air on top of Sonic and hits him, feet first. The power of Mario's incredible Stomp knocks Sonic to the ground.
 
Mario: And, to follow it up, one whacky-hacky, slap-happy, spin-jumpy, super-patented Mario Cyclone!
 
Before Sonic can react, Mario throws himself into a speedy twirl move, letting his legs propel him a few inches into the air. Sonic is struck by Mario's legs and is sent flying away, towards the far wall.
 
Mario: Will that be all, or would you like fries with that?
 
Luigi: Yes! Go, Mario! Show him how a Nintendo hero treats his enemies!
 
But Sonic is far from finished. As Mario runs in to end the battle, the tenacious rodent jumps to his feet and produces a small gold ring.
 
Sonic: All right, dude! You've had your fun, but you ain't gonna get another hit in! My gnarly powers will wallop you once and for all!
 
The ring begins to glow in Sonic's hand. Suddenly, there is a bright flash, making Mario stumble back and cover his eyes. As his vision clears, the plumber sees a large ball of flame rocket into the air and hover above the stadium. It is clear that Sonic is in the center of the inferno.
 
Sonic: Now, dude! You shall witness the awesome power of my Fire Shield!
 
Mario throws himself to the ground as the fiery Sonic swoops down over him. Before Sonic can make a second pass at his enemy, Mario once again replaces his normal cap with a special one. This cap has white feathery wings sprouting out on either side.
With a hop, skip, and jump, Mario takes to the air, swooping in tight circles around the stadium.
 
Knuckles: All right! Air combat! This is just like "Top Gun!"
 
Sonic flies at Mario, who swoops down and away, then up again. Sonic doesn't have as much agility in the air as Mario does, and plummets out of control. The hedgehog hits the ground and shouts in frustration as his flames go out. Mario, on the other hand, remains in the air, and pulls another item from his overalls pocket.
 
Mario: If you think you're the only one with fiery powers, you're wrong, pal. Get ready for the burning rage of the Pyro-Petals of the Furious Fire Flower!
 
Immediately after this impressive display of "off-the-top-of-the-head" alliteration, Mario's clothes miraculously change to a combination of white and orange colors. Still suspended in flight by the Wing Cap, Mario points his fingers towards the ground, sending burning balls of flame ricocheting towards the grounded Sonic.
Unfortunately for Mario, it would seem that Sonic is too fast for the fireballs. The hedgehog taunts the airborne plumber as he dashes left and right, away from the dangerous flames.
 
Sonic: Ha! Wrong again, dude! I can dodge these babies faster than you can throw 'em! Face it, man! You're all washed up!
 
Mario: Washed up? Washed up?! And what the heck is that supposed to mean, coming from Sonic the Hedgehog himself?
 
Sonic: You're old news, dude! The fans want some cool new faces! Why do you think all those Pokemon have been top priority on Nintendo's list? Because all the rest of you are too old! None of the little kids like ya! To them, you're a bunch of boring has-beens who had their hey-day back in the eighties! That's why you can't win! We shall triumph!
 
Sonic's short speech has certainly seemed to anger the Nintendo crowd. They jump out of their seats and yell obscenities at the prickly blue rodent. Mario himself is the angriest of all.
 
Mario: You……..Dare!! You dare to accuse us of being out of the market! I bet the next thing you'll do is accuse us of being childish!
 
As Mario makes his feelings known to Sonic, he drops himself to the ground and doffs the Wing Cap.
 
Mario: You little blue bastard! Quality is what it takes to make a good game! We, the video veterans, know that well!
 
Mario reaches into his overalls pocket one last time and pulls out his third special hat. The one made of steel. As he places it on his head, the angry Sonic prepares himself for another charge.
 
Mario: Over the last twenty years or so, we've all busted our backsides bringing quality games to the public! Games that players of all ages can enjoy! Games that feature actual real character development! Games that have a point!
 
Luigi: That's it, Mario! You tell him!
 
As the hat situates itself on Mario's noggin, the hero instantly becomes coated with an iron mold. Metal Mario now stands shouting before the world.
 
Mario: We've delivered hours of fun and entertainment! Which is more than any of your kind has ever done! Look at yourselves! What a pathetic bunch of 2-D characters! You say that we're out of date, but I think we've proven over a considerable chunk of time, that apes are better than bandicoots, bounty hunters are better than tomb raiders, Yoshis are better than dragons, and plumbers are definitely better than small mammals with glandular problems!
 
By now, Sonic is fuming, scuffing his foot against the ground, like a bull preparing to charge. His eyes light up with flame and his teeth clench together as he prepares to take off.
 
Mario: Go on! Give it your best shot!
 
Almost too quickly for the naked eye to detect, Sonic blasts off from the spot, heading straight for Mario. At this speed, the hedgehog will surely cut his enemy into little pieces on impact, Metal Cap or no Metal Cap. As the crowd watches in suspense, Sonic continues his race, while Mario doesn't even move. Instead, the plumber boldly stands his ground. Finally, seconds before Sonic reaches him, Mario swings his fist out in front of him. The fist smashes into Sonic's face, hard. Before anyone can blink, Sonic is propelled all the way back to his end of the stadium. He hits the wall and falls to the ground, seemingly unconscious. It all happened so fast, that the spectators don't even realize what happened until Mario explains.
 
Mario: Perfect! His own forward momentum drove him directly into my fist, quadrupling the power of my punch! At the speed he was going, he's lucky my index finger didn't impale him!
 
Upon hearing Mario's shouts of triumph, the Nintendo crowd goes absolutely bananas. Every character leaps from their seat and cheers to deafening proportions. Mario proudly struts into the middle of the arena and accepts the applause of his people.
 
Luigi: Ha! How do you like them apples, Knuckles?
 
The Nintendo crowd continues to cheer for their famous leader. Mario has certainly won the battle. As Luigi places the victory medal around the proud plumber's neck, the cheers get even more deafening. But, is it really over?
A blue blur suddenly strikes Mario in the back and sends him rolling into the center of the arena. As everyone gasps in surprise and alarm, they realize it is Sonic the Hedgehog, amazingly recovered from Mario's super punch.
 
Sonic: So…I've lost! Once again, you've cheated me out of what's mine! You've robbed me of my glory! Well, dude, I may have lost the battle, but I'm going to win the war!
 
To the horror of the Nintendo crowd, Sonic produces a large rifle and points it in the fallen Mario's face.
 
Sonic: This is the Bazookoid Blaster! It will take care of you once and for all! And then we'll see how long Nintendo can stay in business without their chief mascot!
 
The sound of Sonic cocking the gun rings out throughout the suddenly quiet stadium. Mario is cornered, trapped by the horrifying weapon. Sonic places his finger on the trigger and prepares to blow Mario to that big game console in the sky, when there is a quiet cough heard from behind.
Sonic turns abruptly to see Luigi, walking calmly towards the scene. He reaches his destination, gently pushes Sonic's arm aside, and stands next to his brother.
 
Luigi: If you want Mario, you're going to have to go through me.
 
Sonic: Suits me, dude! Killing both of the legendary Mario Brothers will be even better than snuffing just one!
 
Sonic once again brings his gun to bear, but is interrupted a second time. This time, it is someone coming down from the seating area. Kirby, the hero of Dreamland, floats lightly into the arena and lands on the other side of Mario.
 
Kirby: If you want Luigi, you're going to have to go through me.
 
Sonic: Fine by me, Creampuff! The more the merrier!
 
For the third time, Sonic aims his weapon. But he has no time to fire before another figure descends from the seating area. It is Samus Aran, the bounty hunter.
 
Samus: If you want Kirby, you're going to have to go through me.
 
Sonic is stunned and has no time to react before another figure enters the scene. It is Fox McCloud, leader of the Star Fox Team.
 
Fox: If you want Samus, you're going to have to go through me.
 
Sonic can hardly believe what is happening. The gun is of no use now. He knows he is defeated. The trend has already started. Throngs of Nintendo characters descend into the arena, over to the action spot. Simon Belmont and the three members of the family of Link, all bearing their swords. Half a dozen multi-colored Yoshis, followed by three eager-looking Bomberman robots. Banjo and Conker, accompanied by the two Mega Man prototypes. The better portion of the Kong Klan, joined by the rest of the Starfox Team, and the boy genius, Ness. Next up is Stanley the Bugman, the Jet Force Gemini Gang, and at least 25 different exotic species of Pokemon. Hundreds of weird and wonderful Nintendo characters all enter the arena and crowd around each other, each proclaiming that Sonic will have to go through them to get to the next one. Poor Sonic doesn't know what to do as Mario steps to the front of the enormous crowd.
 
Mario: Well, Blue Boy, I hope that that gun is big enough to take all of us out at once. Otherwise, you've got trouble.
 
Luigi: You see, Sonic, you may have the most hi-tech console at the moment, but we have something more than that. We have family.
 
Mario: Right. And we have over 500 fully armed, extremely ticked off video game heroes here. What have you got?
 
Staggered, Sonic finally finds the energy to speak.
 
Sonic: Well, there's me and Knuckles, of course. And the SSA guys up there.
 
Mario: Check again, friend. I don't think they share your feelings.
 
Sonic looks around the stadium. True to Mario's words, none of the SSA are left. They've all run off, sensing danger. Even Knuckles seems to have vanished.
 
Mario: Those are some friends you've got there, Sonic. Still want to point that popgun at us?
 
Crestfallen and defeated, Sonic looks around desperately for means of escape. Finally, with a speed faster than anyone can match, Sonic takes off across the arena. He smashes clear through the far wall and doesn't stop. Instead, he continues to run until he is well out of sight over the horizon.
 
Mario: Well, I expect that's the last we'll hear of that.
 
Luigi: Too right Mario. He's nothing but a bag of hot air. And thanks, guys, for backing us up.
 
Mario: Yup, we all came through this time. It just goes to show what one can accomplish with honesty, decency, and integrity of Nintendo.
 
Director: OK, Cut!
 
Mario: Was that all right this time?
 
Director: Mario, sweetie, you were great! Stupendous! Fantastic! Superb beyond belief! But I think we could put just a bit more emotion into that last speech of yours, eh?
 
Luigi: Oh, come on! Not again! This is the third time we've had to film this scene!
 
Kirby: My arms are getting tired from all this floating. How come I have to be the first one down after Luigi?
 
Director: Because you're so fabulous, Kirb-ster! Sonic, we need you back on stage!
 
Sonic: What? Again?
 
Luigi: Oh, well. Here we go again…
 
 
This summary was written by the king of Deathmatch summaries: Metal Mario