NintendoLand Deathmatch summary
Samus Aran VS. Link

Mario: Hello, all you readers out there in Nintendoland! I’m Mario!
 
Luigi: And I’m Luigi. And I bet you’re wondering where this week’s deathmatch summary is.
 
Mario: Well, it’s not delayed, if that was your first guess.
 
Luigi: Far from it. The fight has taken place and the summary has been posted. The only catch is, the battle was finished about 15 years ago.
 
Mario: I can see your eyes popping out of their sockets with shock. But it’s true. The historic battle between Link and and Samus took place no less than 15 years ago, sometime in the middle of the 1980s.
 
Luigi: Back in the golden days of California Raisins, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and "Back to the Future."
 
Mario: But the eighties were also the golden days of video gaming. Home consoles were becoming a national sensation. Unique heroes and villains were popping up left and right. Merchandise galore swept the malls. Luigi and I were more popular than Mickey Mouse. Nintendo ruled the world.
 
Luigi: But there was one aspect of the video game world that we have today that was sorely lacking in the eighties.
 
Mario: And what would that be, Luigi?
 
Luigi: Women.
 
Mario: Whoa. Get a grip on yourself, Luigi.
 
Luigi: It’s true, Mario. In the eighties, and even in the early nineties, very few women starred in their own video games. The game consoles were dominated by men. Oh sure, a few gals were lucky enough to grab their big break early, but the hard fact of the matter is that, most of the time, women were nothing but the token damsel in distress, or the obnoxious side character that gave you items and advice.
 
Mario: And most of you younger readers out there aren’t going to believe us. After all, look at the video game industry now. Why, women are fighting all over the place. Take your RPGs for example. An RPG, on any console, is almost guaranteed to be a complete flop unless there are at least two playable female characters in your party.
 
Luigi: And Tournament Fighting games. Whoever heard of a Tournament Fighting game without at least three selectable female characters?
 
Mario: And to top it all off, more and more women are snagging their own solo roles, separate from men completely.
 
Luigi: And I bet that you’re asking yourself how the big change started. How did the video game world go from male-dominated to female-liberated? How did the women gain equal rights?
 
Mario: Well, that’s where this week’s deathmatch comes in. You see, back in the eighties, the female characters were becoming restless, and getting tired of always having the short end of the stick. So Samus Aran, one of our strongest female fighters today, challenged one of our most powerful male warriors to a duel. This would be the deciding event between equality for female characters. So read on, true believer, as we take you back in time to witness how Samus Aran was the Susan B. Anthony of the video game world. Hit it, Luigi!
 
Luigi suddenly produces a large radio and cranks the volume up full blast. A popular rock song from the eighties begins to play as bright light envelopes the Mario Bros. Before the reader can blink, he is instantly transported to the Nintendoland Deathmatch Stadium, back in the middle of the 1980s.

All the Nintendo characters are seated in the stadium, even though most of them aren’t even destined to appear in a game until the nineties finally roll around.

Among the characters are the Super Mario Brothers, 15 years younger than when we last saw them. They have taken their seats in the hosting box and have called the crowd’s attention.
 
Mario: Good evening, all! And welcome to the very first Nintendoland Deathmatch!
 
The crowd of Nintendo characters cheer for their chief mascot as Luigi takes the microphone.
 
Luigi: And we’re certainly starting off with a bang. It seems that we have a bit of controversy brewing in our midst. An uprising of female characters have been complaining that they don’t get equal time on the NES. The most prominent of these grumblers has been Samus Aran, who claims that she’s ready to star in a game of her own.
 
Mario: A game of her own? Nonsense, Luigi. She’s a woman. I mean, it’s not as if I’m sexist or anything, but whoever heard of a female having her own game? Who’s going to want to buy that?
 
Luigi: Nevertheless, Mario, Samus has issued a challenge. She says that if she can defeat a strong male character in battle, she should be able to handle her own game.
 
Mario: Fair enough, I suppose. Even if it does send Nintendo to the jaws of bankruptcy.
 
Luigi: So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the young woman who just might re-write history. She places her confidence in her technological weapons and her hi-tech power suit. Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to Player One, Samus Aran!
 
Every female character claps as Samus, decked out in her colorful armor, strides into the stadium. The overwhelming majority of men, however, are strangely silent.
 
Mario: And who have we chosen for her opponent, Luigi?
 
Luigi: None other than one of Nintendo’s most macho men. A sword-wielding hero from the past, who has never failed to defeat an adversary, and never shirked in the line of duty.
 
Mario: It’s Link, isn’t it?
 
Luigi: Yes. Well, we wanted to get Link the First, but he apparently had to see a man about a shield. So we got his famous descendant here instead. Ladies and gentlemen, give your applause to Player Two, Link the Second!
 
Mario: Eh? Link the Second?
 
Luigi: I have a feeling that this is probably going to happen a lot in future deathmatches…Mario, Link the Second is the hero from Hyrule’s Light World/Dark World era, and was the second man to wield the legendary Master Sword against the evil Ganondorf Dragmire.
 
Mario: Uh…what?
 
Luigi: (Sigh) He’s the Link from the SNES and Game Boy games, Mario!
 
Mario: Oh, right!
 
All male characters cheer as Link the Second enters the arena. He hasn’t yet appeared in a game, but everyone knows that he will be the warrior to end all warriors.
 
Link: I want to apologize in advance.
 
Samus: Apologize for what?
 
Link: For striking a lady.
 
Samus: You can save your apology until you actually manage to get a hit in, Bub.
 
The crowd of female characters cheer enthusiastically at Samus’ retort. Link, however, lowers his eyes and stiffens his jaw.
 
Luigi: Well, it looks like our two combatants are raring and ready to go. But before we start, I’d like to announce our special guest host. Next to Samus, she just may be the most out-spoken feminist in Nintendoland, and she also hopes to appear in her own game someday. We’ve brought her here to balance out the female side of the fight. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joanna Dark!
 
There is more cheering from the female crowd as Joanna Dark appears in the hosting box and takes the seat between Mario and Luigi.
 
Luigi: Good evening, Miss Dark.
 
Joanna: Don’t you patronize me, you grimy little toad.
 
Luigi: Excuse me?
 
Joanna: It’s painfully clear that you share the same opinion as all the men in this stadium. You can try to hide it, but we all know it’s true. Just because we’re women means we can’t fight evil, right?
 
Mario: Right. Um…I mean…no! That is very, very wrong!
 
Joanna: Oh, shut up. It’s hopeless.
 
Luigi: Um…this might be a good time to go to the fight. Before one starts up here.
 
The starting bell rings, and the crowds of Nintendo characters cheer for their respective hero. Samus and Link circle each other slowly and thoughtfully, each trying to measure up the other in their minds. Samus, despite her confidence, is wary of Link, and is rapidly growing nervous. Although she has nearly a ton of hi-tech weaponry on her back, she still isn’t sure whether she can triumph against a man. Link is also taking it carefully, for he knows that one should never underestimate an opponent, no matter who the opponent may be. Their caution, however, does not show in their cocky voices.
 
Link: So, do you want to forfeit the duel now, or do you want to wait until you’ve been crushed to say "Uncle?"
 
Samus: You’ll be the one who surrenders in the end. I’m going to change the world if it kills me.
 
Link: Going up against me, it will.
 
Deciding not to wait any longer, Samus quickly brings a large gun to bare, aims, and fires. A powerful, blue burst of energy explodes from the barrel of the gun and rushes towards Link, who hits the dirt just in time to avoid having his head taken off.
 
Samus: How’s that for feminine?
 
Link: I’m almost glad you did that. Up until now, I was worried about going too rough on you, but now I feel that I don’t have to hold myself back. So get a load of this!
 
With these words, Link reaches into a brown leather pouch hanging from his belt and pulls a small blue bomb from it. With a cocky smile, he tosses the bomb up into the air over the arena. Then, quicker than anyone can blink, Link produces a small golden stick and aims the pointed end at the airborne explosive. A small flame shoots out of the stick and crashes into the fuse of the flying bomb, lighting it. Samus has no time to react before the now-active bomb finishes its flight and lands on top of her. The blast doesn’t seem to harm her or her armor, but it succeeds in sending her flying back to her corner of the arena.
 
Mario: Hmm. The way this fight looks to be going, it doesn’t seem to me that Samus deserves to have her own game. After all, if she can’t overcome elementary attacks like that, what’s she going to do?
 
Joanna: I don’t know what she’s going to do, but I can tell you what I’m going to do. I’m gonna put your head through that wall if you don’t can it!
 
Luigi: Relax, guys. The fight is down there, not up here.
 
Indeed. And the fight seems to be getting more intense as Samus and Link are both egged on by their fans. It is apparent that both combatants have managed to get a few hits in while Mario, Luigi, and Joanna were conversing.
 
Link: That bomb was just the beginning, Samus! See if you can handle this!
 
Link produces a second stick. This one, however, is made of silver and not gold. Link points the stick at Samus. A blue cloud seeps out of the end of the Ice Rod and accelerates towards Samus, solidifying until it is a large chunk of ice. But Samus doesn’t seem worried. She simply raises her gun into the air again and fires. The resulting energy beam blasts the ice chunk into pieces. Before Link has the time to initiate another attack, Samus has already thought of something. While Link fumbles in his pouch, Samus crouches onto the ground and begins to glow with energy. All the time during this maneuver, the armored warrior seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Before the eyes of the crowd, she suddenly curls up into a tiny sphere and fires off of the spot like a cannonball. Before Link even has time to blink, Samus crashes into him, knocking him clear across the arena and into the far wall.
 
Joanna: Aha! You see! Women know how to use their brains! All men can do is drag out a bunch of crude weapons.
 
Mario: Well, weapons aren’t exactly a bad thing to have either.
 
While Mario and Joanna carry on their debate, Link and Samus continue their battle. The Hylian Hero has recovered by this time, and is wielding his sword like a fierce dervish, ready to put his opponent down for the count.

Samus is not sitting idle either. While Link stalks toward her, she is preparing yet another attack.
 
Link: Prepare for defeat at the hands of the Master Sword, She-Devil!
 
Samus doesn’t reply. Instead, she meets Link’s sword blows head on with her own iron fist. Steel clashes against steel as Link and Samus smash against each other with blade and gauntlet. Link seems to be tiring from the effort of fending Samus off, and decides to go with a different strategy. Stepping back from his opponent, he brandishes his sword over his head. The legendary blade begins to glow. Before Samus can react, Link brings the sword down through the air. The sword spins in three complete circles, knocking Samus back.
 
Luigi: Well, the two combatants certainly seem to be evenly-matched, more or less.
 
Joanna: Exactly. Anything a man can do, a woman can do just as well. Or better if it comes to that.
 
By now, Samus has managed to dodge another Whirling Blade Attack from Link, and prepares another assault of her own. This attack comes in the form of two miniature cannons that sprout from the armored woman’s shoulders, which in turn, fire miniature missiles through the air. Link, not used to dodging things such as these, does his best to avoid the deadly projectiles. And while he’s busy dodging left and right, Samus reaches her hand to her belt and removes a small, round object.
 
Samus: If you think that your bombs are hot stuff, get a load of my mines!
 
Samus throws the mine like a Frisbee, directly at Link. Link throws himself to one side, saving himself from the ensuing explosion.
 
Joanna; Ha! Samus is kicking that little Nancy-Boy’s butt!
 
But Link has other ideas. Before Samus can throw anymore mines, Link temporarily sheathes his sword and produces a large staff.
 
Link: The Cane of Somaria shall see you vanquished!
 
Samus: I’m supposed to be afraid of a walking stick?
 
Link doesn’t answer Samus’ sarcastic comment. Instead, he raises the staff into the air and brings it down hard on the ground. A large orange block magically appears in front of him. Link raises the staff a second time and strikes the block, which goes flying in Samus’ direction. Samus raises her blaster once again and shatters the block with a powerful energy beam. Immediately afterwards, she crouches and forms into her cannonball form once again, ready to execute another Screw Attack. However, Link is ready this time. Bringing the staff to bare once again, Link creates a second block. Before Samus has a chance to stop herself, she has already smashed into the block as if it were a brick wall. Before the dazed warrior has a chance to recover, Link has produced another staff.
 
Link: And now the Cane of Byrna shall allow me to finish this job!
 
As Link waves the cane in the air, a bright chain of sparks form around the Hylian, creating a protective shield.
 
Samus: That little trinket isn’t going to do any good against me!
 
Before Link can reach her, Samus has raised a second gun-like device and fired it at Link. A blue grappling beam belches out of it and snags the Cane of Byrna from Link’s grasp. Link’s protective shield immediately disappears as Samus breaks the staff over her knee. But while she is busy destroying the cane, Link has charged her again, with yet another Whirling Blade Attack. This one is not as effective as the first one, but still succeeds in doing something to Samus.
 
Samus: Blast! That attack must have disabled my gauntlet’s motor! I can’t move my left hand!
 
While Samus is contemplating this, Link raises his sword yet again and brings it down hard on her helmet. Link is not successful in breaking the helmet, but Samus can feel another function of her suit die.
 
Samus: Damn it! He’ll have the entire thing de-activated in a minute! Better go with the blaster again.
 
Indeed, Samus’ last hope seems to be the blaster. Using her remaining rockets to keep Link at a distance, Samus charges up the devastating weapon and fires it. She has not noticed, however, that Link has changed shields. His new shield is almost the same size as he is, with a gold frame and a large glass panel in the center. The legendary Mirror Shield.

Link crouches behind the Mirror Shield and prepares for the impact of the blast. The blast hits the shield and, in spite of the protection, sends Link flying clear across the arena, to smash against the wall on the other side. But the blast is still reflected by the shield. The beam of energy ricochets back at Samus, and explodes against her suit. Like Link, Samus also goes flying. But there is a difference between the two opponents. While Link has managed to recover somewhat, Samus finds herself unable to use any of her suit’s weapons. The blast has disabled nearly all of her resources. Samus is totally heart-broken to discover that her weapons have been made useless. Even worse, Link is coming towards her again. This wasn’t fair. She was a strong fighter. A powerful warrior. She knew she was. And here she had been, trying to do nothing but prove that she could handle her own game series, in spite of being a member of the female gender. And what had it come to? Absolutely nothing. Maybe they were right. Maybe she just didn’t deserve it. If she couldn’t beat a medieval warrior with her own futuristic technology, what right did she have to think that she could possibly handle her own game pak?
 
Samus: All right! All right! I give up! You win! Happy, now?
 
There is silence from both sides of the crowd as Luigi observes the winner.
 
Luigi: Well, Link, it looks like you win. That is, since Samus has declared.
 
Joanna: And I suppose that you’re all going to rub it in our faces, aren’t you? For the rest of recorded time, this deathmatch will be known as the day that equality died forever. Hmph. Men are bastards.
 
Link: No.
 
Joanna: What?
 
Link: That’s not the way it’s going to be. Miss Aran put up one hell of a fight this evening. If I had been less prepared, she probably would have defeated me. She took everything that the video game world knows about heroes and stamped on it. She had the guts to stand up and fight for her rights to be more than just a supporting character. She unleashed everything she had, just so she could prove a point. And she did it while we were all laughing in her face. Considering that, I think we can all come to some sort of agreement.
 
Joanna is speechless, and so are Mario and Luigi, as they try and think things over. Finally, Luigi turns to his brother.
 
Luigi: You know what, Mario? I think we need a new bill passed.
 
Mario: And I think you’re right, Luigi. Hand me a piece of paper and a pen.
 
Luigi does so, and Mario begins to write furiously. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, Mario stands up next to his microphone and reads what he has written.
 
Mario: It is hereby decreed, by the Chief Mascot of Nintendoland, (that’s me), that from this day forth, any woman fancying herself to be a video game hero, or heroine as the case may be, is free to give it a shot. So says the Imperial Nintendoland Council.
 
Samus can’t believe her ears. After all this time, that’s all it took. Even though she lost, she still got the job done. Amazing.

As Samus finally picks herself up off the ground and dusts herself off, Link walks over to her and shakes her gloved hand.
 
Link: Who knows? Maybe there’s hope for this mad, mad world yet, eh?
 
Samus: Well, you’ve convinced me.
 
Luigi: Well, that was quite an event, eh? In one night, we’ve seen a clash of titans, and a change in history. So now you folks out there know how it really happened. So the next time you pop in the odd RPG, or your favorite "Metroid" game pak, think of tonight. After all, Nintendoland is more like the real world than it may first seem. Good night.

 
This summary was written by: Metal Mario