I wonder if Link ever gets sick

 

Of getting the shortest end of the stick?

 

Perhaps Zelda might get weary

 

Of acting prissy, dull and dreary.

 

Hey, even Ganon might get bored,

 

He may get sick of being killed by a sword.

 

During morning, during noon,

 

During night, we must play soon!

 

Every time our mind's on Link,

 

We think he's a hero, we think he -can't- think.

 

With the press of start, the game begins,

 

It doesn't end until we win,

 

Forcing Link and others, too

 

To sit and wait with nothing to do

 

But run around at our finger tips

 

While we watch those dialogue clips

 

Of the words that they aren't saying,

 

It's the game that we keep playing.

 

Hey, even a hero -must- get tired,

 

Yet he's always awake--is he wired?

 

And Ganon never seems to age;

 

Is he still locked up in that cage?

 

In the realm where evil lives?

 

Far from where the princess fibs?

 

Could it be, Link needs some rest?

 

Let's put our knowledge to the test.

 

What is it really that we know?

 

Have we learned anything? Does it show?

 

Well, we're only here to play the game,

 

We're not like Link who gets the fame.

 

But, really, what goes on inside?

 

You know, deep between their minds?

 

Does Link really think Zelda's hot?

 

Does Zelda think he's hella not?

 

What about of favored villain?

 

Does he like to spend time chillin'

 

With his old Gerudo pals,

 

The minions, Dark Knuts and the Stals?

 

Does Link take to time to smell the roses?

 

Has he noticed it seems Ganon's got a few noses?

 

And Zelda dear, she can't be well,

 

She might have no more prophecies to tell.

 

Is that why she has such a small part?

 

Is it why we always start

 

To wonder what they really do,

 

With hands to chins, and eyes so glued.

 

Glistening glowing, pupils big,

 

Wait, hang on, is that a wig

 

That Malon's wearing?

 

Even Ganondorf just might be caring,

 

But, alas, we wouldn't know,

 

And it shows, oh yes, it shows

 

Through the stories we make up

 

With fairy tales and tough break-ups.

 

Maybe they're not like that at all,

 

Maybe Link is really small--

 

Short, I mean, but no one knows,

 

And like I said, I know it shows.

 

Little Zelda's got green brows,

 

So does Malon live with cows?

 

Does Ganondorf enjoy to swim?

 

Is King Zora actually trim?

 

Hah, that's not a likely thought,

 

But it's just knowledge that I've sought.

 

Maybe Ruto dislikes Link,

 

Maybe Rauru's been stuck in the clink.

 

Maybe Darunia hates that song,

 

Heck, maybe Impa wear a thong,

 

After all, her suit's too tight,

 

Maybe Zelda likes to fight.

 

Nabooru just might be

 

Opposed to the idea of ever being free,

 

Maybe Ganon likes to lose,

 

Maybe Link just hates to chose

 

His own nice life,

 

He -could- play the fife

 

Instead of the Ocarina,

 

He could dance the Macarena

 

To warp from every place to place,

 

Maybe he hasn't got a handsome face.

 

And yet again, we wouldn't know,

 

And I'm afraid that factor shows

 

In some of our crazy, messed up fics,

 

With theories that Ruto might have ticks,

 

And that Link's in love with Saria,

 

Who, in disguise, just might be Daria.

 

Where is that we get these thoughts?

 

Are they found in MM's holographic box?

 

They just might hide beneath the cartridge,

 

And Rauru just -might- be a partridge,

 

After all, he is an owl,

 

And maybe Link really likes to howl.

 

It's just part of the mystery,

 

So we won't now, it's not meant to be.

 

But where to all the secrets lie?

 

Because it seems we always try

 

To map out each and everyone,

 

Every one character, forgetting none.

 

Ideas that Link's the depressed hero,

 

Feeling as though he's a zero.

 

Thinking Zelda's not-so-smart,

 

Thinking that she has no heart.

 

Feeling Ganon's not so bad,

 

It could be blue in which Link's clad.

 

We think that we just know it all,

 

Contrary, though, to all our beliefs,

 

Link might not wear boxers, he just might wear briefs.

 

Not that we really -wanted- to know,

 

But maybe it's time for me to go...

 

So if the truth will come one day,

 

We've got ideas that'll last and stay.

 

(Even if they sometimes...go astray...)